How to Deal with Mean People
During this October’s National Bullying Awareness month, even as we focus on bullying behavior, we can also examine what we as individuals can do if/when confronted by behavior that is mean. As we do at our girls-only and boys-only summer camps, we can focus on empowering ourselves to make our world a better place.
Here’s a good article from sociologist Christine Carter on steps individuals can take when confronted by mean behavior from others. The whole article is at this link, with the main takeaways summarized below:
To maximize social and emotional well-being…
- First, remember that you can control your response when someone does or says something mean. We may not be able to control much about our life circumstances, but with practice we can control how we respond to those circumstances. Neither attacking back or becoming a spineless doormat constitutes a constructive way to cope.
- The most effective response to meanness is compassion. Where there is meanness, there is often a lot of pain, both in the unkind person and for the person on the receiving end of a mean joke, comment, or email.
- Take care of your own pain first. The key is not to deny what we are feeling, but rather to accept it. Take a moment to be mindful and narrate your emotions. Hang in there with unpleasant feelings at least long enough to acknowledge them.
- Often we don’t want to admit we are hurt by another person’s meanness; we want to let it go without letting it get to us. If you can do this, more power to you. But if you can’t, that’s okay, too. You will survive the discomfort of your hurt feelings. It is perfectly normal to feel bad when someone wounds you.
- See mean people for what they really are—wounded and tiny and probably threatened. Frightened mice masquerading as roaring lions. Recall the last time you were a little mean to someone. How did you feel right before you did it? …small, or frustrated, or humiliated, so you did something that might make you feel big or important or powerful.
- Finally, fight fire with water by sending loving thoughts to the people who hurt you. This is an advanced technique, but I can almost promise that it will make you feel better. When we send well-wishes to the hurting people who want us to share their pain, we are able to rise above their suffering. We regain our true power. After all, it is only when mean people actually are happy and free from suffering that they will stop trying to take us down with them.